Every Day is Purim

I don’t know about you, but my therapy between midnight and 1am is to scroll through fashion videos on YouTube and Instagram. After watching the videos, I find myself trying new clothing combinations from my closet or styles and colors that I haven’t dared to wear before. Sounds superficial? Luckily, Dr. Tali Stolovy would say that that is actually very deep.

Stolovy is a doctor of social work who in recent years has been researching the psychology of dress. She is also a therapist that uses styling as a therapeutic tool, and teaches about the connection between the clothes we wear and identity, gender, lifestyle, values, sexuality, and body image. Stolovy is also exactly the right person to ask about dressing up for Purim.  

Who chose the kid’s costume? The child or the parents?

“The costume is the extremization of something that exists in our every day lives,” she says, trying to distinguish between regular clothes and a costume. “Many people experience their every day clothes as a costume too. When we choose to wear tailored clothing to feel more authoritative, we need to do so as part of an internal process. Sharp transitions in our clothing can create feelings of fraud rather than being therapeutic. When people wear a certain outfit for some emotional purpose that they don’t connect with, they may experience imposter syndrome.”

What can we learn about a person from their Purim costume?

“In general, it is possible to learn about personality traits through clothing. In a study I conducted in collaboration with the University of Haifa, I showed, for example, that classic clothing is often characteristic of more conscientious people, that is, people who tend to be tidy, responsible, and self-disciplined; people who wear sporty, casual clothing are often more conservative and seek to blend in with the background; and those who choose to dress eclectically are often creative people. Costumes can also be used to learn about personality traits. A lot can be learned from the way in which the decision to dress up was made: was it an internal desire or social pressure? In children, we can ask whether the initiative to dress up and the choice of costume were the child’s or those of the parents.

“The costume and its choice tell us about the inner world of the person dressing up. It can come from a place of imagination and fantasy or from very strong social influence. For instance, choosing a costume that meets social expectations or dressing up in collaboration with friends. A costume can also teach us about relationships. Someone who chooses a couple’s costume, a costume with sisters or with friends, tells us that they define themselves in comparison to others. Choosing a shared costume is not only evidence of an existing situation, but also an act of connection that strengthens belonging or declares certain relationships. Choosing a costume is very deep, and if it is not deep but is done out of an attitude towards society, then the very act of dressing up and putting on a costume has psychological value for the person.”

Can a garment that we chose to wear to experience certain feelings turn from a costume into something real?

“Yes, if the work starts from the inside, it will continue. If the stylistic change is only from the outside, it will not work. Styling therapy is not ‘fake it ‘til you make it.’ For our clothes to really do us good, we need to go through an internal process, understand where we want to go, what the emotional meaning of the clothes we wear is for us, and start dressing consciously. Part of styling therapy is the demand that we be reflective, asking ourselves what the connection is between what we are feeling right now and the clothes we are wearing. When we begin to activate this language and work with it, the clothes become a response to emotional needs. This is the difference between a costume and therapy. For Purim we dress up, and when the holiday is over, we take off the costume and return to ourselves. Purim is an opportunity to choose a certain character, to bring out new parts of ourselves. A costume does not always represent who we are; sometimes it can actually be a kind of compensation. An introverted person may choose an extreme costume, and vice versa.”

Masquerade sometimes reveals something very real within us

Every year, there is a certain tension in the air before Purim: kids have been ruminating since Hanukkah about what they will dress up as for Purim, but not only kids. Some decided in eighth grade that they were too old to dress up and stick to this decision forever; others return to dressing up when they’re older, together with their kids. And some adults, just like kids, wait all year long for Purim and come up with increasingly original ideas for their costumes. But it doesn’t end with the choice of whether to dress up or not. The differences on the street also depend on the choice of costume: children in Bnei Brak dress up as soldiers; women and girls see Purim as an opportunity to wear revealing clothes; men who are used to jeans and a T-shirt allow themselves to wear a hat and bow tie; women and men switch their gender; children dress up as adults and adults as children. On the surface, there is nothing to it except simple amusement, but it seems that this Masquerade Festival sometimes reveals very real places within us. Something happens to us on Purim.

Some of us still dress up for Purim when we’re grandparents, while others can’t wait to reach the age where it’s OK to stop dressing up. Do you have an explanation for this?

“When we examine Purim through the psychology of dress, we see that it is a holiday that evokes strong emotional responses: either we really love Purim or we hate it. Clothing is part of our self-definition, and dressing up is a departure from the familiar space of the self. Therefore, costumes are experienced as a wonderful and special way to connect with ourselves or, conversely, as a distancing act, and this strangeness can be challenging and unpleasant for some people. It is a holiday that either arouses enthusiasm, play and curiosity, or resistance and rejection.

“Our attitude towards costumes is individual. Those who have a connection to their clothes are not threatened by the idea of changing clothes, and the idea of dressing up for Purim ignites enthusiasm in them. Even before Purim, they imagine how they will dress up as a certain character in order to feel certain emotions. People with an emotional connection to clothes, who usually use clothes to express themselves, experience Purim as an invitation to exaggerate what they are in their everyday lives, and to enjoy the opportunity to play more with their clothes. However, for people without an emotional connection to their clothes, Purim may throw them off guard, because for them, even in everyday life, choosing clothes requires energy. For very young children, for example, Purim may be threatening. Because their sense of identity is not stable and defined, the experience of seeing others dress up and dressing up themselves may be unsettling. Not only children: Even in adulthood, there is sometimes something unsettling about seeing the people close to us in a different guise and from a different angle."

Will our choice of costume affect our experience of Purim?

“The central understanding of the psychology of dress is that when a person wears a garment, the garment affects them cognitively. Studies have shown, for example, that certain clothing can directly affect our ability to concentrate. This idea also applies to costumes: When I wear a costume, the meaning I give to the costume will affect my experience and behavior. A costume that we perceive as funny or silly will make us feel lighthearted and silly; a costume of someone we consider strong will develop boldness in us; very revealing costumes will create more crude and objectifying behavior in us, or will actually make us withdraw inward, as they will arouse shame in us. In this sense, the costume itself has an effect on our emotions, thoughts, and behavior.”

What would you tell someone if they ask you if they should dress up, and what costume they should choose?

“The first question before choosing a costume is simple: What do you want to dress up as? I would ask the person for their inspirations, things that make them happy or intrigue them, and we would think together about what kind of costume would be enjoyable for them.

“In general, I recommend dressing up. Dressing up is a positive experience. Playing with clothes is a positive experience. As long as it comes from the person themselves and is not forced on them by the society, it will always be positive and will always teach us something about ourselves. Clothing can drive development and growth, if the process comes from within.”

Join Beit Avi Chai’s special Thursday-evening Kabbalat Shabbat in honor of Purim, on March 6.

This article was originally published in Hebrew.

Main Photo:Envato Element\ By jmartinstock