Parashat Vayechi: On Reassurance

We all need reassurance, but not the same kind. What comforts one person can enrage another. The story of Joseph and his brothers reveals this truth – and offers a roadmap for how to comfort others in their darkest moments.

After Jacob was buried, Joseph’s brothers feared he might now take revenge. Joseph understood this and told them: “’And so, fear not. I will sustain you and your dependents.’ Thus he reassured them, speaking kindly to them” (Genesis 50:21).

According to the midrash in Bereshit Rabbah, Joseph explained that if he harmed them now, people would think they weren’t really his brothers – that he had been lying all along and was actually born a slave, unworthy of his position. So, it was in his interest to protect them. The comfort lay in framing things in a way that removed worry from their hearts. This is the core of reassurance – the removal of worry from the heart.

Comfort rooted in equality and transcendent love

The homilist in Bereshit Rabbah offers another interpretation. Joseph said to them, “Ten candles could not extinguish one candle, so how could one candle extinguish ten candles?” One candle cannot extinguish another; it can only light it. The message is clear – each of you, my brothers, is like a candle that burns and adds light to the world, and I too am a candle like you. The reassurance here is not only the removal of worry but also a shift in perspective – Joseph is no longer the boy who lorded over them. Now, precisely when he rules over all of Egypt, he sees them as equals and regards them as light.

This type of reassurance – comfort rooted in equality and transcendent love –

resonates throughout Jewish texts. The beloved in the Song of Songs says: “If only it could be as with a brother, as if you had nursed at my mother’s breast: then I could kiss you when I met you in the street, and no one would despise me. I would lead you, I would bring you to the house of my mother, of her who taught me – I would let you drink of the spiced wine, of my pomegranate juice His left hand was under my head, his right hand caressed me” (Song of Songs 8:1-3).

Rashi comments on the words “If only it could be as with a brother”: “If only you were a brother to me. That you would come to comfort me in the manner that Joseph did to his brothers, who did evil to him, and it is stated concerning him, ‘and he comforted them.’” The beloved dreams of Joseph’s reassurance – words of comfort that he speaks to his brothers after they have treated him badly. This is comfort born of love that transcends ego and jealousy.

“It is what it is” or “this too is for the better”?

But what kind of reassurance was Joseph actually offering? The Talmud, tractate Bava Kamma (38a), helps us understand that by distinguishing between two types of reassurance. There is reassurance common among the Babylonians that acknowledges bitter reality and knows how to accept it – the reassurance of “it is what it is.” If we could change this reality, we would, but we can’t. We must accept fate’s decree. Our very helplessness relieves us of responsibility and comforts us.

Ulla – a halakhist and Amora from the Land of Israel during the late III and early IV centuries CE – saw in this defiance toward the heavens, a lack of faith in God who does everything for the better. Opposite it stands a different reassurance: “what happened is what needed to happen.” Even if there were something to do, we wouldn’t do it, because if this is what God thought should happen, then this is what should happen. This is the reassurance of “this too is for the better.”

These are two different existential approaches. One embraces the injustice and randomness of this world – accepting the facts of life with humility. The second is faith-based: there is no injustice or randomness. What happens happens for a reason.

Reassurance isn’t formulaic

Joseph clearly believes what happened is what needed to happen. He comforts his brothers with “this too is for the better.” Yet this approach doesn’t work for everyone. There are people – I am among them – for whom this type of comfort only makes things worse. It angers us. We need someone who will sit with us in the helplessness of “it is what it is” – not someone who tries to find divine purpose in our pain.

This is the wisdom Joseph’s story ultimately teaches: reassurance isn’t formulaic. It’s an art of listening, of reading the person before you, of understanding what they need to hear rather than what you think they should hear. The challenge isn’t choosing the right philosophy – it’s choosing the right words for the person at the right moment. That is true comfort.

Lior Tal Sadeh is an educator, writer, and author of “What Is Above, What Is Below” (Carmel, 2022). He hosts the daily “Source of Inspiration” podcast, produced by Beit Avi Chai.

For more insights into Parashat VaYechi, listen to “Source of Inspiration”.

 Translation of most Hebrew texts sourced from Sefaria.org

 Main Photo: Jacob Blessing the Sons of Joseph (Rembrandt) \ Wikipedia